Nothing's Wrong, Nothing's Right

I want to make homemade chocolate chip cookies but ugh work

why can’t cookies just be?

I think some nights I am very easily influenced by what’s going on in my family, so much so that it even depresses me deeply and I just feel like there is an emptiness in the pit of my soul that I can’t shake. So much has happened in my family in the past few weeks alone that all of the chaos is driving my mother insane, which in turn drives me into these fits of depression. I can’t handle seeing my mom in such a bad state but she never actually listens to anything anyone says to help, but instead just keeps pushing on in whatever direction she was going in the first place. 

My sister is such a mess right now I don’t even know what to say to any of my family members about her anymore. I feel like she’s having an identity crisis and I have been as supportive as I can be with the situation, but she has also felt the need to pick up terrible habits as well as allow her grades to completely crash in only her freshman year of high school. She’s literally my brother made over except with a way worse attitude and no respect for any person other than herself and it infuriates me to see her be that way. No one in this family has ever instilled those sort of values and she consistently has felt the need to throw it in our faces time and time again just to spite us. I’ve finally reached the point where I’ve told my mother to just give up on her. It’s a terrible thing to say but she literally has no care, respect, or remorse for anything. She needs to be left to destroy her life so she can just see how badly she’s already ruining herself at the age of 14. It just makes me so sick I could smack the shit out of her for her arrogance, though I know I would never really go that far. I’m just done seeing her around, I can’t even look at her. 

And then there is my brother, bless his soul. So much has been thrown his way recently and he is doing his best to try and keep up with everything considering the unexpected circumstances. It’s really hard for me to see that he is somewhat lost right now, even though he puts on his best face for the rest of us. I just wish my mom could cut him a little more slack considering how much he’s improved since his teenage antic years as well as all of the stuff he has going on right now.

Everything has just been so much on our family recently it’s taken a lot out of everyone. Granted, a lot of these situations could be made easier if my mom wasn’t so worried about everything to the point of causing more drama, but I genuinely feel like she doesn’t know what else to do at this point. I’m just hoping we all find a way to get through this without any serious consequences, seeing how drama never really goes over well in my family. I just need to find some peace tonight. 

Things have been somewhat hard recently. I’ve felt like there are parts of me that are still missing, and that I still can’t fully understand what I want out of life. As far back as I can remember, things have always been this way. 

I’ve always kind of been that background character that has just floated around trying to fit into whatever space I could. Three years ago when I started college, I began to finally open up and become more accustomed to the insertion of myself into reality and I even began making some really good friends. But even after all this time, after spending countless hours reflecting on the kind of person I want to be and working towards that goal of finally just being blissfully content, I still have reservations and fears that I can’t shake.

So much has been going on in my life recently, whether it be with family, school, or my future, I just feel so crushed and lost within myself. I feel like everyone else has such a grasp on just living life and being normal and here I am forcing myself to socialize in an environment I’ve been accustomed to for three years now. I can’t tell if it’s just my bipolar disorder being out of whack again or just the fact that I’ve never been able to address my problems in any real fashion, but I can tell that something isn’t right with the way I am now. 

I just can’t understand how someone who is blessed with so much, someone who can handle all of their responsibilities without any major complications, can struggle so much with a simple task of finding themselves. I feel so lost in myself anymore and it makes everything seem so much harder than it is. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Yea, it’s totally allergy season alright. My throat is scratchy, my eyes are red, and my ears itch and I haven’t hardly even been outside today. Allergies suck.

Today I was speaking with bad grammar because sometimes I do that just to sound like a complete idiot because, well, I find it hilarious for some reason. But someone got really made at me and corrected me like I seriously speak like that in everyday life. I just sat there and thought to myself, bitch I am a pre-medical student with a 4.0 GPA, I think I know how to grammar correctly and if you couldn’t tell I was joking when I spoke that way, either you’re a complete dumbass or I’m just a very convincing one.